Copper Irony

The dollar is the World's reserve currency. That status will never be threatened. We have a strong dollar policy. Our conservative fiscal policies are well regarded by high officials in China. They hold over a trillion U.S. dollars in reserves. They are pleased with the prospect that the dollar will gain in value as a safe haven as other economies falter. Their students accord the utmost respect to speeches delivered by Tim Geithner.

Silver and Gold will plummet as investors realize that they are barbarous relics with no value. They earn no interest, unlike the hefty percentages captured by those who keep their money in savings. There is no fear of loss of those deposits. Banks are healthy. Toxic assets are just sound bites. Home values are crashing? Balderdash! That's just a rumor started by disreputable entrepreneurs who want to make profits from foreclosure business start-ups.

Joblessness is not accelerating. Former highly-paid executives can find jobs if they really wanted to. They just need to send their resumes to Walmart and McDonald's. College graduates can compete with downsized ex-employees. And the winner gets minimum wage! With my 2020 vision I can see home values climbing again. Consumer sentiment will leap. People can start withdrawing cash - like popping Prozac - from their home ATM's again.

The Producer's Price Index will levitate. Wages in China and Mexico are becoming exorbitant. Year-over-year increases of nearly three cents an hour will drive manufacturing back to America. Wages in the United States may see meager stagnation, but no more than $15 an hour across the board. Union leaders will gladly accept such conditions. Health benefits will not be reduced. Pension plans will not be eliminated. Our nation will soon thrive.

Why worry about the National Debt? It's only twelve trillion or so. Our unfunded liabilities only add another fifty-six. Big deal. It's just a bunch of zeroes. Helicopter Ben doesn't even need to run the printing presses. He can just push a button and the computer will fix everything. We don't really need to raise income taxes to 80% to cover projected deficits. President Obama has a realistic plan for cutting the deficit in half by 2013. On the Mayan calendar.

Oh, and copper cents? The advice I've been offering you to start saving old pre-1982 pennies for their 95% copper content? As a way to take advantage of a presumed increase in value of commodities as hyperinflation ensues? Forget it. It was a joke. The dollar is sound, remember? Your purchasing power is not washing down the gutter like a toy dhow during Monsoon. Next thing you know, they'll be saying the currency in Zimbabwe is unstable.

Copper cents are just too hard to accumulate anyway. Where would you find them? It's not like they're just laying around in pocket change. I suppose you're going to tell me that they're circulating coinage produced by the United States Mint, and that people spend them every day. Yeah, right. Next thing you know, you'll be trying to convince me that a 90% silver 1964 half dollar is worth more than fifty cents. Do I look stupid?

With copper cents you have four problems. You can't find them, you have to sort them, you have to return the zincs, and they're worthless without a buyer. These problems are insurmountable, so why bother saving pennies? You can't go to the bank and ask for a box of pennies, can you? You can't go to your credit union and ask for customer-wrapped rolls. You think it's as easy as just finding them laying around your house?

You'd have to sort them. That's impossible. What, you're supposed to be able to tell the good ones from the bad by the date or something? They all weigh the same and sound alike when you drop them, don't they? There are machines that do it for you? What fun would that be? That wouldn't be a challenge. That would be like Sir Edmund Hillary using oxygen to ascend Mount Everest, or using Sherpa guides to pack supplies to base camp.

You have to return the zincs. You think you can just roll them in coin wrappers and return them to the bank? Or put them in heavy-duty plastic bags and redeem them in bulk, depositing the amount to your account? Next thing I know you'll be telling me that they have machines everywhere that count your pennies for free, and then sell you coupons, or give you a cash voucher after deducting a nominal fee. Yeah, right.

Who would you sell them to? It's not like they are going to increase in value as the dollar depreciates. We have a strong dollar policy, remember? All the Secretary of the Treasury has do to is make an announcement. That worked for Hank Paulson, didn't it? Or bearded Ben Bernanke can wink and tell Congress "what difference does it make where the TARP funds went?" And everything will be peachy keen. We are still in Kansas, right Toto?

Nobody in their right mind would want to hold metal instead of currency. Next thing I know you'll tell me it has intrinsic value. Yeah, right. It's heavy, Jefferson, and it takes space to store it. And you can't use if for toilet paper. So why bother? This isn't a game for amateurs anyway. Leave it for us masochists at realcent.forumco.com to accumulate all those worthless pennies for you. Besides, we need a good laugh. All... the ... way... to... the... bank.



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